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DDC Camp 2019

Throughout the whole 3D2N, really 累死人. The constant worrying of whether the games we planned would work out, hoping that no fuck ups happen, worrying about dancing properly, and then worrying about whether I am able to film people properly. From waking up early to settle stuffs till sleeping late for reviewing of how we can do better for the next day. Really questioned myself my existence in comm because it gave me so much added pressure on myself. Could be out there like the other camp participants having fun and having time to chill. But amist all these depressing thoughts about joining comm, just really glad that everyone in comm is helpful and fun to be around. 

Dance growth wise I honestly don’t know what I’ve achieved through all these classes because to put it simply, my heart wasn’t there. I just wanted the classes to faster end so I could film and move on to the next activity. I know the sian feeling towards dance has been lingering in me especially during this semester. But I didn’t want to admit it or face it because it is lowkey embarrassing. Sometimes you see how the people around you are so hungry for knowledge and then there's you there thinking if there's something wrong with myself. For all 5 masterclasses I would literally be stoning and trying to continue the choreo during the filming round. But what made me shocked at myself was how I couldn’t be bothered to bash myself up anymore and be angry at myself for fucking up. I think it was after Ryezal’s class on the second day that I realise I’m really not thirsty to dance anymore.

Love Bridge on the second night was amazing. Honestly didn’t get to participate in it much cause comm members went last. But I felt everybody being more attached to being part of this crew and seeing and feeling it made it immensely happy. Been thinking about what the seniors said to me all day err day ever since that night. It’s unbelievable how they feel like I’m struggling although I never talked to them much in the first place. And how they pointed out what my exact worries and problems that I’m facing right now. Broke down really hard when Willaine told me how I should not sacrifice my own dance growth/journey just because I’m in comm. And when Akie said that she feels like I’ve lost the spark in dance when she sees me dance now. Really hits right through the heart. Maybe it’s time to take a break soon. But still gotta continue hustling next semester until summer starts.

2019 in a nutshell

This year came with loads of responsibilities ever since the start. I tried my best and yeah no doubt I was burnt out many times along the way. Glad I kept going. But yes, this hustle never ends. Need to learn to manage my time way better. By that, it means cutting down a little on dance and stoning and hanging out with friends the next semester. Very grateful for the true bros that popped out of nowhere along the way this year. I don't really buy the "New Year New Me" shit but yea just hope that I'll continue to keep trying and burn out less often.

Feeling a shit load of unhappiness within me recently. Its just this internal feeling of angst and sadness that lingers inside my chest. Sounds pretty weird but yea it is what it sounds like. Been thinking about it for a damn long time but I can't figure out why too. Been hating to go home since like 2 months ago. They say home is your safe zone but coming home to me just means having more problems to settle, and having more unhappiness. Just want to stay out every day and hang out with the people that make me happy. 

Don't know where this family situation is going. Really... I don't even know how to describe this. I always just tried to ignore about my negative feelings towards my family. But nowadays I start thinking how our fake relationship can go in the long run. Its like we're a family but we're not. We don't share our problems, we don't communicate, we don't talk, we don't share times of happiness, sadness and laughter together. We are just a family, because we are bonded by that word. 

Usually typing here makes me feel better after clearing my thoughts but I think this is one of the rare few times I actually feel more confussed and heavy. I'm pretty sure it's because I don't want to face the things that have been bothering me. Not going to force myself to figure things out now, but just hope that I'll be happier in the coming months. Been always pushing myself to continue with life because people don't stop just because I throw myself into a black hole. Guess I just gotta keep doing this till someday?