Learn to let go a little

"   Life will not tell you where the destination is. Therefore what changes your life isn’t coincidences, but choices.    "

"  They say people go through a lot of mistakes to become who they are. Right now things aren’t going your way, and nothing seems right. But that’s how it should be. If everything goes well from the beginning, you won’t know what’s good or bad   "

I know I'm the type of person that forgives but never forgets. And it's something that I kind of want to change. Really having a lot of thoughts about life right now after watching 2 pretty relatable videos on youtube. 

There're two friendships that I've always regretted not trying harder. Huiying was probably the first friend that defined the word 'bro' for me. We spent so much time together because we were in the same class, had the same clique and similar interests. Honestly can't remember how our friendship started going downhill near O Levels period because neither parties took the first step to talk it out in my memory. But I guess the full stop to our friendship came when I broke up with YuanPing because we technically became friends through him and they were bros. I fully understand her decision and if I were her I would probably have made the same choice too. I've no idea why this friendship has become one of the constant regrets in my life, but the reasons were probably because we spent a lot of time together and I just felt like the 16-year-old me could have been a little braver and approached the existing problems that we had. Jolin and I first met during JC orientation. We kinda approached each other because we had similar vibes and yeah from then on we basically stuck together every day in school. We were very similar yet so different at the same time. I think our friendship slowly started to crumble because neither of us was willing to back down. In my point of view, I just wanted her to be happy in her own relationship and give her space. I hung out a lot with Jolin and Emmanuel at the beginning but then I started hearing comments from friends that I looked like a lightbulb and those comments really got to me. I think there was no right or wrong in that situation. It was just us being selfish and not listening to one another. Honestly, it hurts having to think that the people I thought would last through my life and now gone from my life. Life still goes on, yes that's right. Hopefully typing everything and leaving things here gives me some peace. The memories won't be forgotten but I just hope I can put an end to this friendship in my heart. 

I've never really regretted the people that I've met throughout my life. I think it's not wrong to say that 85% of the friends I've met thus far have just become barely just Instagram followers. From the people I met through Guzheng, Golf, Track & Field in primary school, to the people I met in secondary school through guzheng and randomly making friends with other people, to the classmates and dance friends in JC. Lastly, the friends I met through engin FOC and DDC in uni. I can honestly recall all the small memories I had with random friends. Training 100-metre hurdles along with Mitchell and Ricardo was damn troll. The coach focused more on the 100m sprints people so the 3 of us just self-trained and trolled half the time. Really don't know how we can entertain ourselves with lame shit back then and laughing so much together. Major regret was tripping over the second or third hurdle during interschool competition. I don't know when went through my mind when I landed flat on the track, but somehow I got up and finished the race second last. Really bittersweet memories. Golf competition with Jared was damn funny too. I accidentally hit someone's golf ball instead of mine cause I was nervous at my first competition and the officials didn't notice but okay...Memories like this really stay in my brain and I hope I never forget all these small happy moments in life that I had in the past. Looking back, I kind of realised that I was really a social butterfly especially in primary school. Somehow grew to be quieter as I aged. Don't know if its good or bad, but definitely content with where I am right now. Also, I feel like as everyone grows up and have their jobs and other half, the time spent with friends naturally decreases. Everyone becomes absorbed in their own life goals. I think it's pretty normal yet sad at the same time. I guess this is why adults used to say that growing up is not fun. 

Thinking about all the past relationships makes me regret my life decisions too. Definitely regret ending most of them. But really, thank you for the great memories, thank you for making spoiling me and thank you for learning along with me. I think I'm pretty apprehensive about entering a new relationship each time because it's like signing myself up for a commitment and allowing that person to really enter my life. I think it's funny yet sad at the same time how I broke up with Nigel because we were fighting over false rumours that I heard. But I think it was hard at that time especially when social media and online communication wasn't as evolved and we were in different schools. Yuanping was a really nice guy and I feel really really bad every time I think about my bitchy attitude when we were together. But really happy that he has his own goals in life and I'm pretty sure he'll do well. Like its weird how I can still feel genuinely happy and proud of someone even though his life has nothing to do with mine anymore. Met up with him over summer last year and it was funny bantering over the past. It hit me real hard when he said that I should have tried harder at the end instead of giving up but yea... What can I do now... Honestly don't think we'll meet again in future because I'm too shy, and there's no real purpose of asking him out again. 

This somehow became a long-ass journal entry. But I hope that when I come back to this blog entry again, I will still remember the lessons learnt from these so-called major events in my life. It's contradicting, but I want to forget about these events a little too. Every time I stone and zone out, my brain just naturally thinks about these same few regrets and it is frustrating because there's nothing I can do but move on and learn from it. 

Intern is starting next week, and so is results day. I want to hope for the best but honestly, I know what's coming. As much as I want to lie to myself, I think I got to just tell myself that life is not perfect and just like how I've come through all the difficult moments in life, this too shall pass.