Conflicted

It's been 3 months since my last post. I'm only left with two more MCQ papers and I'm officially done with Os.

Been staying home, or rather in my room for the past 4 days. I'm like in a state of mess right now, completely cut off from the outer world. The only time I get to communicate with other people is when everyone comes online to play League at night and time just seems to pass so fast during night times.

It sucks not being able to go out and have fun with my friends just like everyone else, and here I am just typing away pathetically. It sucks when people offer to go out with me and I've to just unwillingly reject them because I know my mum won't allow me to. This feeling really sucks. I wanna have fun at the age of 16 too. I've no idea what kind of life I'm currently leading right now. All I can do is earnestly pray that life in JC or rather after that would be good. But it seems like it's just all good to be true. Who am I even kidding?

Looking at other people's instagram posts really makes me wallow in self-pity. Sometimes I imagine myself doing crazy stuffs, like really crazy ones. I guess I've been staying at home too long that I've got all these negative thoughts inside of me. I'm in a state where gaming doesn't even entertain me anymore. On days where no one's even online I just simply stare at my laptop and do nothing. I've come to realise that I'm just a really fucking lonely kid craving for some source of communication.

Everything is just hitting so hard on me right now. I don't really see the bright light in my life currently. Everything is just really bleak and it's giving me a mental breakdown. There's just so many things going on in my mind right now but I'm really really lazy to even find my friends right now honestly. I just don't even know what to do, and everyone is like busy having fun while I'm just standing one side and looking at them in envy. Life really sucks huh?

I'm really dying to know what the fuck did I even do in my previous life to even deserve such a shitty life right now. It's amazing how I haven't been on whatsapp for 2 days and it feels like I'm really being trapped in my own world right now. Constantly telling myself that my future would be a good one doesn't really seem legit to me. How good would it actually be though? Is god even that nice to me?

Right now I just feel like I'm being trapped in my own world/room thanks to my mum right now. My only friends? Well I guess it's just the people who I meet while gaming and I somehow end up talking to them. I'm not dissing my real life friends but I just feel really detatched somehow. The feeling of not being able to go out with them and have fun like the other kids do. Who would exactly understand what I'm feeling right now? I'm pretty sure no one has their freedom being controlled like me. It's hard talking to people because I know they're trying to cheer me up but I'm still stuck with these negative thoughts.

Sixteen seems like a young yet old age to me. Kids nowadays growing up so fast and wild that I feel like a total outcast at times. Everyone dressing up and being interested in make-up and stuffs while I'm just the opposite. Whats wrong with me man... I'm supposed to be enjoying me youth but I'm pretty sure I'm going to hate mine to death. Like really, the only thought going through my mum these days is seriously I hope my mum would just get out of my life. It feels like all my problems would be gone with her disappearance too. I sound like a fucking bitch right? Haha yeah I know, people say that too. But who on earth would even understand the emotions that I'm going through now? Who would hate their mum as much as I do?