Getting crushed by all these dreams

Heh I know it's been almost 3 months since my last post :b It's not that I've forgotten about writing blog posts, but the past few months have been really hectic and draining... And also because I simply didn't have the mood to type about anything.

I swear April and May were probably the busiest yet best time of my life. By the time April came, my schedules were like fully packed including weekends. Each time I flip through my diary I just stare blankly at my April and May schedules, thinking how on earth I even managed to survive both physically and mentally. Every Monday to Friday, I had CCA and it ended at around 7pm on average. On Thursdays, I end at 10pm and my mother obviously became quite pissed because it was quite obvious that I was exhausted and I wasn't even studying at all. It was just a repeated cycle of going to school half-dead due to lack of sleep, sleeping during lectures and tutorials, getting scolded by teachers, extending deadlines for homework, going for dance practices. By the time I even get home I'm too tired to even study or get some work done. Everyday I would just look forward towards weekend where I thought things would be better.. But soon rehearsals and dance practice started coming in on weekends and I practically didn't have the time to rest at all throughout the week. I practically endured the tiredness for a month or so being deprived on sleep. I recall the frequent fights I had with my mom as she complained that there were too many practices and I even went back on public holidays and Sundays. But I guess sacrifices are meant to be made right? I gotta say Rapture gave me a lot of life experiences. I taught myself to let go on stage and just have fun and I sure did during the actual performances. It was really fun mixing around with people who had the same passion as I do.

Totally can't wait for A Levels to be over for Rapture 2018. Seems like a pretty long time but I guess it'll fly by? Looking back it has already been around 4 months since I entered JC. For sure that loads of things happened along the way and it wasn't an easy journey but thank god for friends in my life. I enjoyed the freedom that I wanted when my parents went to Europe 2 weeks back? I went out quite often till at night and I played League 24/7. Life felt really great heh. But as soon as they came back I found it difficult to adjust back to my usual lifestyle.

Don't really know why but I keep having great(?) dreams these days... But it sucks when I wake up and realise that it's all a dream. I don't get how I can feel the warmth (legit) when I hug someone in my dream. That's really kinda creepy. These days I spend a lot of time thinking about all the "If only"s that would've never happened. There are just days when you get really emotional and wonder what's the purpose of even being born onto this planet. Today feels like the kind of day. Maybe it's just that I've too much thoughts and I haven't got much time to clear my mind given all the bullshit that JC life throws at me. But well I kinda feel better after typing this whole chunk out because I kinda feel more organised (somehow) now. Today was like the first time ever I felt the urge or rather I understood why people smoke lmao. I don't know why but I had this crazy idea in my mind this afternoon :/ That smoking actually helps a person feel better from all his problems. I know it's a really bad idea but I don't know why it kept popping out in my mind earlier during the day.