Learn to let go a little

" Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not:

remember that what you have now was once among the things you only hoped for."

23rd October 2017

It's been a really long time since I've last typed to clear things off my mind. Honestly I wanted to type all the bullshit that has been going on every single time but I honestly didn't want to put in the effort to recall all the hurtful shit that has happened. It's 15 more days to A Levels and I've came a really long way from having no close friends in class at the beginning of the year to having a closer group of classmates right now. Honestly don't know if all of us can last till old honestly, but I'll forever be eternally grateful towards them. I tried hard to fit in and yeah it was pretty draining especially at the beginning when I didn't understand all the inside jokes. I guess I tried my very best to fit in, and to be well-liked. I guess that'll pretty much sum up my life in class...

Watched S24 finals with batchies after prelims and that night was really fun. It ended at like 10:30 and I rushed back home and my mom was pretty chill about it which was quite rare given my regular 7pm curfew. Really grateful for the bunch of dancers who I'm close to. Be it being able to talk bullshit to them or even engaging in heart to heart conversations without worrying about being judged at all because we're so close. I guess it means a lot to me to be able to talk to someone with pure honesty given that I'm super afraid of people judging my words or actions. Not a christian but still, god bless for letting me meet such nice people through dance. I honestly didn't have any problems with them or finding myself hating on a certain character of theirs. Most of the times I convince myself to accept my friends' flaws but with them, everything seems so easy.

Throughout the hear I guess I've witnessed like a bunch of friends getting attached or either breaking up, It's pretty sad to hear my friends going through a break-up because it just makes me remember all the stupid times I spent falling head over heels for him after we broke up. All I hope is that they'll end up being better off and not be trapped in that pitfall. Getting out of it is tough, but after climbing out of that blackhole you can't help but wonder why on earth were you so dumb to do the things you even did. Last week elizabeth told us she got attached and the way she broke the news to us was cute because you kind of don't know the exact way to tell your friends about it. Really happy for her heehee. Honestly feel so blessed that we've been friends for so long although we're in different schools now. Sometimes it feels weird to meet up with my primary school friends because I know I've changed alot from that tomboy who used to go around playing soccer to a kinda more demure kiddo I guess. Sometimes, I feel afraid to meet up with my close friends who I haven't met up in a year or so. It's not because I'm afraid that we'll have awkward conversations (that's never the case), but because I don't want to hear the word " you've changed". I've heard it a few times this year and I don't know how to feel when I hear these two words honestly. Is change good or bad? Sometimes I hope my heart is still as pure I was back in primary school. When I was twelve I wanted to enter secondary school so badly, looking forward to the freedom I thought I would get. Fast for-ward six years, now I'm eighteen, realising that growing up is a scary thing. 

Somehow feeling lighter inside now that I've typed what I wanted to say. I think it's just me, but sometimes I'd rather write/type out my feelings as compared to telling someone about it. Most of the time I can't be bothered to explain the whole story to my friends so I'd rather not mention anything at all. It gets difficult at times when I just bottle everything up and I've nowhere to exactly vent everything out. 

If you're reading you should be someone in my private account I guess. But before anyone starts judging as to why I even blog I just want to say that I find it meaningful to look back on my old posts and relieve all the events that happened that year and see how much I've matured as a person.