Thoughts on entering Y4
我们遇到了可能只是一霎那,
可能会有共同走过的一段路，
但是终有一天大家会分开。
就让我们的过程，变得更精彩一些。
Been a long time since I typed anything here. Seeing the post that I typed back in March right now, I wish I could have told myself not to worry too much and everything will just find its way, just like it always had. It's pretty interesting to see how my thoughts and vision towards life has changed compared to the me 5 months ago. Let's just talk about what happened during the past 5 months.
I guess the major updates would be: We cancelled Ascendance, I got an internship, stopped dancing for a while, started thinking more about life/job/future, starting to be more comfortable with being alone and not being obsessed with the fact that I'm still single while everyone else is attached.
Ascendance + dance
Things went pretty okay. I felt like I had a very capable and solid team backing me up. Forever grateful to everyone for trusting that things would work despite covid and just jumping on board this project. Audition day went pretty smoothly. Although item allocation was a mess because it was just a huge brain fart moment when we had to do intensive excel sheets and try to please everyone with their item allocations. When Phase H2A was announced we decided that it would be hard for things to go on given that the school would most probably take a long time before they relax their measures again. Given the huge uncertainty and restrictions that seemed impossible to work with, we decided to cancel the concert at the end. Felt relieved + guilty at the same time. Just felt so bad towards the team who burned their time to invest in this production. Just felt very responsible because technically nobody would have wanted to join the comm and we reached out to a few of our friends who had experience. Thankfully most people gave us a yes and joined the team. Although ASD 2021 won't ever see the light, it was still a very enjoyable experience learning with the team and trying to lead people and meetings.
Took a break from dancing entirely. Honestly took a lot of courage to make this decision. As someone who was dancing like 4-5 times a week, it felt weird yet somewhat comfortable not dancing. After the internal battle which happened at the end of April, I stopped all the way for 3 months. I think being tired from intern made me not think about dance that much. But watching dance videos that my friends uploaded on Instagram made me feel a lil sad/angry/jealous(?) deep inside. Been constantly asking myself if I am really ready to get off dance and just move on with life. Or do I just not want to face the thought that I think I'm a shitty dancer. Just going to take things slow this semester. The thought of dancing again doesn't excite me 100%, but I'm more excited at the thought of being able to meet my friends during pracs instead. Oh wells... Might try to jio my friends out for random dancing biweekly or something as a form of exercise and see where things go.....
Internship
So ever since Feb, I started my internship hunt for the summer holidays. Things weren't looking too great because after 1.5 months of hunting, no companies were getting back to me. Felt pretty shitty about myself. I only had myself to blame for my shitty grades. Fortunately enough, at the start of April, I started getting interview calls from a few companies. Went for a few interviews. In the end, I had was offered a place at JTC initially, and XRVision a few days later. Panicked real hard at first because I couldn't really easily decided between the two options. Working at JTC sounded nice for my resume, it had slightly higher pay, and my contract ends when the summer holiday ends. The designation was called Workplace Safety Intern, but it felt more like publicity and marketing. Wasn't very into the job scope because it felt like I just had to churn out design materials. After my experience doing DDC publicity, I know I hate doing creative things in general for people. Doing it for my own hobby/leisure is fine. But doing it with the goal of it being approved by someone changes things. It just stresses me out because art is so subjective and I feel like I'll never be able to properly gauge what the person wants. XRVision offered a contract for 9 months in total ( 3 months full-time and 6 months part-time when school starts). The pay is almost the same as JTC, but the job scope was more of what I think I would be interested to do in the future aka project management. Kinda also wanted to experience working in a start-up. So yeah in the end I took up the offer from XRVision.
It's been almost 4 months since I've been in the company. Things started off pretty chill initially. I mostly just attended meetings with potential customers or companies that we will be working with. The learning curve was pretty steep given that I had zero knowledge of the machine learning / IoT industry in general. Glad that there was a bunch of other interns at work too. We clicked off pretty well, ate lunch together, talked cock in the office, played table tennis after work, vaped in the office, talk shit about the company culture. But shit's going down now that they're slowly leaving because their contract is over. The office feels a little dead now. I used to go office every single day, but now I just rather be at home. The workload for the month of July and August has been crazy. Somehow we're shorthanded on developers/engineers right now and I'm being thrown to do QA and help with debugging. It has been pretty tiring and frustrating at times because I lacked the technical skills and I had trouble figuring out stuff. But trying to learn with an open mind and just pick up more skills that will be useful when job hunting in future.
Hope the next few months of studying + intern will be alright. Really hope I will be mentally strong enough to just keep pushing on.
Life
Still on the road to achieving self-love. Still trying to achieve some work-life balance. Still constantly reflecting on events that happened in the past, thinking how I could've handled things better.
Was looking for a photo to attach along with this post. Realised I haven't been taking many photos of myself. HAHA might sound dumb but trying to take photos a lil more often because once I pass this moment in life, the only things that remain are photos. It's like how every single blog post entry here reminds me how the thoughts that I had and the feelings I felt at the point of time in life.
Been trying to find the fine line between not thrashing myself and pushing myself to improve. It's like I'm never 100% sure if I'm being too harsh on myself, or I deserve to have these negative thoughts because what I did isn't good enough. Work-life balance has been pretty hard to achieve too. Especially at the start when I had this constant feeling to not fuck up and kinda 'impress' my boss. After a while, I kinda was wondering why am I even trying so hard sometimes. Everyone makes mistakes, and it's completely normal. I just gotta move on, learn and do better from these mistakes. Hate myself for having the fucked up feeling for hours/days after I think I did something wrong/ not good enough. It sounds pretty dumb to some people I guess? Like why the fuck can't I just forget about what happened and just laugh it off. But I guess the constant feeling of guilt/ not being good enough really bugs me for a long time. Trying to work on brushing these negative feelings off. LET"S GOOOOO !!!
Ever since Phase 2 Heightened Alert began, kinda stop social interaction with friends. Things weren't so bad because at least I still go to the office and I get my daily dose of social interaction with my colleagues at work. I used to be the type of person that feeds off another person's vibe/mood. Nowadays, I'm more of a 'leave me alone' kind of person. Sometimes I question myself why I stopped asking my friends out for meals anymore. I guess I'm just kinda tired from having the same schedule every day. It's just working, coming home for dinner, playing games/watching youtube, sleep, and the day repeats again... Now that school has started, been spending lesser time on playing games and doing school work in between working hours when I have the time to.
Been having these thoughts about my future lately. What industry do I exactly want to work in, whether I would be interested in working overseas. Kinda wanna travel overseas and stay there for 1-2 months just to experience life overseas and just learn about life/myself after graduation. Don't really know what my parents would think about it... But I think there's gonna be some disagreements given that I would start work later than my peers. Feels scary and insecure knowing that I might not have a job in the end. But I feel like there are certain things that you should/can only do at a certain age.
Got into kpop again over the past month or so HAHA Suddenly started watching loads of g-idle soojin videos and the9 yuyan videos. I don't know if its a jinx or what but right after I became obsessed with them, only bad things seems to be happening lemao. Soojin got kicked out of gidle and yuyan has some shit going on with her company..... Felt super affected/sad during the first few days when the news broke out, but been feeling better these days. Throwback to the good old days where my life really revolved around kpop and every single news of the people I stan affected my mood and thoughts. Somehow feel like life is really unfair, as always....
Been thinking about what I wanna tattoo in the future too kekeke~
Comments
Post a Comment