Breathe, don't think

Here to throw away some negative emotions once again.

Life has been pretty draining, as usual, much happier moments these few months, but with these happy moments comes the sad ones too. There are just days where I feel like shit and my mood swings like crazy. I would sit there thinking if the happy moments are worth it. I know everything comes with a consequence, as much as I want everything to always be on the good side, I feel like I don't have the ability to handle myself when my emotions are all over the place.

It's stressful when people ask me why/what/how because sometimes I don't have the answers either. It's stressful when my mood gets affected by a single thing that a person says/does. It's stressful when I see myself losing weight because I lose my appetite.

It's heartwarming when people reach out to me after I lowkey reach out through my depressing Instagram posts. Not exactly sure what I'm looking to obtain from posting these posts, but the fact that people drop me encouraging texts just really gives me the strength to push on as cringey as it sounds. Very thankful for the friends that I have and the support that they've always given.

TLDR on life -- I'm on my last semester of university right now, kinda completed my FYP as of now, completed XRVision internship in Feb this year, currently on a job hunt, I got attached in November last year.

and yes, I feel like a bulk of my life problems comes from my relationship with my boyfriend right now. It's just this feeling where you want the best for a person, but I guess I'm not confident about myself. It feels like I'm a low-key hindrance sometimes, and I don't know what to do to make the person happy. I know my own happiness matters too, and I strongly believe that no one loves you as much as you love yourself. But it's just conflicting when it comes to a point where you've to choose to make a decision for the person, or for yourself instead. I feel like the base of my problems comes from overthinking and self-love issues. It's just this mindset where you think 10 times about an action that you do, thinking if the other party is hurt by the things that you do/say all the time. The constant drowning feeling of nobody being able to understand and embrace you is kinda toxic as well. I guess you can consider it as having a 'victim' mindset? Sometimes I look at the world and feel like everyone else is just trash, and I'm being treated like trash too. 

Don't know what I expected from typing this here as well, but just wanted to release these thoughts somewhere. maybe one day I'll look back and think about what a joke I was back then. I guess all we need sometimes is just some support, some words, some hugs, some space.