LOSTED

Lazy to type it in good english for the blog so I'm going to just copy and paste what I posted on my private. I hope when I return back to this post one of those days in the future, I'm definitely stronger than I am right now.

Really feel damn drained from everything that is happening around me right now.

Damn shagged from submissions, CS and MA midterms this week. Like during these two papers I just keep zoning out and hating myself cause I feel like I obviously would have done better if I had managed my time well during the first half of Sem 2. And I hate how I always have to clutch last minute because I hate this unsteady feeling lmao. Really gotta start getting on par with all my modules before DU concert week kicks in and I start lagging behind again. 

Anyways like I feel like I’m having some identity crisis with myself right now. Like I feel like I’m not being myself when I talk to people nowadays. Like I talk so much bullshit and stupid shit I actually cannot stand myself and IDK what’s going through my mind even. Really miss catching up with all my friends.. The past few weeks my life really is just dance and studies wtf. Like legit feeling lonely but no time at the same time. Alot of things I want to say/ talk about to some people to encourage them but I got no courage to say cause I scared people think its fucking lame idk why. Like this sem I keep thinking 要当一个好朋友真的很难.

Not looking forward to DDC pracs every Weds and Saturday… I don’t know why I suddenly got mad hate for pracs now. Like I think the whole freestyle shit really annoying the shit out of me cause I feel like I cannot freestyle. Pracs this week was bearable cause of the people that entertained me with stupid shit when I stood at the back. Really love standing at the back cause nobody can see me and judge me and I got no pressure to dance well cause nobody is behind me. Nowadays I hate to see the image of me dancing cause I think my lines look ugly as fuck. And like I feel like for the DU item I’m dancing worse as compared to when I first learnt the choreo. Like wtf I’m putting in effort but when I watch the video I really really dance like shit now and the angles and energy all not there. I’m actually quite stressed cause idk how to move forward from here. 

So what are the odds that you meet two of your exes in a week? They were both kinda good meetings but I just feel so losted. I don’t have a religion but I believe that there are gods up there and everything happens for a reason la. So what’s the point of letting me meet the both of them? Like am I supposed to feel as if my life is shitty right now. I was basically walking home from the bus stop, walking past stickies and I made eye contact with one girl sitting inside and I just thought like “Eh that girl looks like Huiying” but I never really continued my thoughts after that cause like .. so what if its her.. I also don’t dare say hi cause we never really talk after I broke up with Yuanping. Then suddenly someone shout my name damn loud then I turn around la. Turns out it was Yuanping and Wanlin then I legit cua two but at that moment I was just happy to see them. Then Huiying came out and said hi too I legit like xiao touched cause I thought she hated me? So we exchanged like 2-3 sentences and I think they could tell I was fucking shag and couldn’t be bothered so we parted ways and I started feeling so lost after that. Like I just realise I’ve been making so many mistakes throughout my whole damn life. Like I’m actually damn scared of making decisions right now. So I thought for 1 hour if I should drop Huiying a message… and I finally sent it la.. I just say like I hope she’s doing well and thanks for saying hi cause I thought we ended off on a bad note. Then she say she kinda disappeared cause she had to go China with her Dad and at that moment I just really really feel like I fucked everything up. Like why did I even assume that she didn’t want to be my friend anymore without asking and whenever Amanda asked me if we should reach out to Huiying again I was always being a pussy saying no. Like really just too many mistakes in my life already I cannot stand myself for being so stupid.

I just feel like I’m trying to accomplish so many things in my life cause I’m trying to live my life to the fullest but I know I’m not coping well. Life just damn tough yo wtf. Really want to be a good friend to my friends and a good student graduating with Second Upper Class.