Tick Tock Time Bomb

It's been a long time once again meep. Funny how this used to be my ranting space back in secondary school days but now I'm just too tired to rant and sort my thoughts out.

Things were rough today. Grandma had a stroke this morning, the cat had a seizure in the morning, CS1010 grades for both practical came out and I got 0/150 for both (I'm pretty sure the second practical grades was a typing error made by the prof because there's no way I'll get 0 when I didn't plagiarise this time around). Just hope my cat just lives happily for its remaining days and my grandma too. I grew up being close to none of my grandparents and barely talked to them because they favoured guys over girls. Kinda sucks but I don't really care because I don't really know what it feels like to be close to a grandparent so it doesn't really matter to me. But the feeling of someone leaving this place is still saddening, and it's even worse how we can't hold a funeral for people to pay their respects because of covid.

Once again realised how life is really fragile. Was watching a podcast by Msia YouTubers and they were coincidentally talking about their regrets in their life. I think it's amazing how some of them really stick to their idea of 'living in the moment'. Got me thinking even harder about how I've been living my life so far. I feel like it's good to push while I still can in terms of exposure and skill especially when I'm at this golden age. But yet again, I think that I should just stop aiming so high and being hard on myself. It's not because I wanna cut myself some slack, but it's more of like enjoying this golden age and having the fun that I'm supposed to have. Very very confused with my own life now especially with the uncertainties this coming AY due to the current covid situation. 

Been fighting against negative thoughts during this stay home period. Honestly, I feel like I'll just be pretty average once I step into society. I'm not the smarter kids in engineering, my skills are just average, and so is my portfolio. Trying to make it up with things outside of studies like leadership qualities but it's really tough. Sometimes I think so much about my future that I wish I wouldn't think about it. Been thinking of moving out of the house once I graduate but it is hard to be financially stable with an income of at least $5000 a month to ensure that I don't end up moving back in after a few months. Just wanted to start living alone and learn more. Also because I'm sick and tired of this house although I get all the tangible things that I want. 

Been struggling real hard with dance the past AY. I thought after stepping down from comm I would feel the joy in dance again. But I'm really just at rock bottom right now. It's frustrating when I feel like shit about my own dance skills and listening to people say that I'm good and whatsoever. I honestly feel like people just say things to make you feel happy and it feels fake. It's a very very bad mindset of mine, but I feel so sceptical whenever people say good things about me. I just see it as them trying to socialise with me. I try not to say things that I don't mean especially when someone is going through tough times because I hate giving people false perceptions. And yeah I think I've stuck to this goal quite well. Just hope that I'll be able to see the good in myself soon because it's very pointless to keep going just because someone else showers me with praises constantly. 

Not sure what type of person I am as of now and what type of person I want to be, but the plan for now is to find some purpose in my life and learn to appreciate myself more. Actually been having a shit ton of negative thoughts but I can't figure out exactly what my mind drifts to each time. I thought typing things out, as usual, would make myself better but wow. This hole I've fallen into is real deep.